A Culture of Bullying

We tend to think that bullying comes from a person's background, how they were raised, their nature or from being abused. I recently read a study that was done on bullying. What I want to know is how did bullying become so pervasive and is it really a "top-down" phenomenon. In other words, is it just in schools or is it how we function in our world.

In this study, researches examined thirty sample populations or "teams" consisting of twenty individuals each. In each of these teams, a leader was selected. Not just any leader would do. The population of leaders selected had to be very diverse so that the results wouldn't be skewed why race, age or background. The leaders were selected to represent a variety of traits. Each leader was a different age and gender as well as being from different ethnic and economic backgrounds.

The leader then had to form a line with the shortest to the tallest, using every person on the team. The "leader" was the only one who could move  members of the team into position. The leader had absolute power. There was also a cash price to the team that formed a perfect line.

Team members could be heard criticizing the leader saying things like, "We'll never win now" or "who picked him?" Researchers found that roughly 80% of all cases in which such remarks were made, the team leader immediately entered bully mode, saying things like "shut up", "Just do what I say" or "There's a reason that I'm the boss here."When things became very tense, the team leader could be heard asking a team member if he wanted to get hurt.

The conclusion of this study was that people aren't necessarily born bullies nor does buying come from a person's background, ethnicity or socio-economic status. We all have a part of us that can become a bully. but most of us have learned how to control that behavior or realized that we don't like to be like that. The study concludes that bullying doesn't come from within, it comes from without.

This got me to thinking about bullying. I was an elementary teacher and bullying was a constant topic. How to teach children not to bully, how to stop bullying and so on. Well, here is what I think. I think that bullying is a cultural problem that we all suffer from. In my first grade class, and all teachers please tell me it isn't so, one of the biggest parts of my job was to make sure these very small children walked in a  perfect line without talking in the school's hallways. I would be very ashamed if the principal or another teacher walked by and my line was talking or out of order. These were 6 and 7 year old kids.

I think that we're all being bullied. We're bullied by the government, we're bullied by our neighbors, we're bullied by our peers and so on. This is not just a child's issue, its a societal issue. Many school principals are bullies because they've been pressured from above. Kids are learning to be bullies through their teachers who are bullied by school principals who are bullied by administrators who are being bullied by… and it just goes on.

Bullying is how most people get by. Christmas is coming up and all I can see are the crowds of people pushing each other out of the way to get what they want. They turn into bullies to get what they want because retail stores feel pressure to make more money so they've created situations where this will occur.

The only way that I can see a way out of this is through a surrender to love. I know you're probably saying to yourselves, "what?" But if we truly learn to tap into ourselves and love ourselves and are good to ourselves then we can be good to others. If we're good to others it has a domino effect. Then others are good to others. If we take time to be of service in our community, then we are combating bullying. Those people that we are serving will begin to serve others and it will be in a loving way just like we are doing.

 I once heard a very wise woman say that the war we see around us is a reflection of the war within us. Centering ourselves and meditating causes us to be peaceful and serene. That energy is contagious. It really is only through prayer that we can change how things are. We can raise our consciousness to understand that bullying isn't just a "child's issue", it's a societal issue and it's a reflection of how we treat ourselves and others.

What to Do When you Witness, Suspect child Abuse

As I lay in bed this morning, reading the paper and sipping my coffee, my brain just stopped when I read this letter to the editor.

Taken from a Hawaiian Newspaper, August 8, 2012

No Help Available

Yesterday I witnessed a man in the Walmart pick up his approximately 2-year old son by the top of his hair and throw him in a shopping cart, then slap him, slapping his other children, too, screaming at them.

I asked the clerk to please call security. she didn't want to get involved. Neither did the 40 or so people who were staring at this horrible scene saying, "Oh my God."

I had my grandson with me  and this was upsetting him.  The woman in the back of me kept saying somebody should do something.

The man continued to slap and hit and scream at all his children, while the mother did nothing.  I followed them out to the parking lot, as I watched him pick up the smaller kids by their hair and throw them in their van.  I called 911 and told them what I was witnessing.

I'm crying by now, I waited 20 minutes and no police came as I watched the van drive away.  

I can't imagine what must happen at home if this is what its like in public.  I called CYFD and told them what had happened when I got home and they told me they really couldn't do anything unless I could give them an address.

I watched commercials and read articles that say we must help the children if we suspect abuse.  So who do you call?

I pray the next time this happens and the right person is a witness, that something will be done and these children will have a better place to live.


     I remember being in the grocery store and witnessing a father abusing his son.  I too followed them out to their car and as I saw the man lean over the small child and grab him, I intervened and told him to stop treating his son that way.  He turned to me and glared, grabbed the boy and threw him in the car and left.  For the rest of that day and even now, I wonder if I made it worse for the kid.

     I also heard a mother screaming at her children all over the store (Walmart) and when they came into view I was so angry.  I told her to stop  treating her children that way.  I was calm when I spoke to her but also visibly upset.  She looked at me and asked if I was talking to her.  I told her I was.  I could see her take a breath and try to regain control, but I could see how dead the children's eyes were.  This was a regular event.

     As a teacher, I would stand out in the hall at the end of the day and supervise as parents picked up their children. Each day, there would be a young man who would lean against the wall waiting to pick up one of my kids.  Everyday, I would look him in the eyes and say hello.  At this particular school, I thought all of the parents were kind of scary looking and so was this guy.  Then, one day that student wasn't in school.  I got called into the principal's office and they queried me about my student.  Had he been acting strange?  Was he bruised?  I had no idea what had happened.  Then they told me that the man I saw everyday had killed my student's 2 year old brother.  I found out that he had been abusing the little baby for over two months.  The death had been drawn out over that time.

I know all of you have stories too.  So, what should the writer of the letter have done?  What should we do when we see this behavior?  I think she did everything that any professional would have told her to do.  I think the police and CYFD were negligent as all hell.  She gave them the license plate number.  Couldn't they track the address from there?  

I really couldn't help but think about the people on the plane that got hijacked on 9/11.  They got together as a group and took the plane back.  They took the power back.  Why couldn't 40 people do that to prevent these children from getting hurt worse?  Here in Hawaii, children are everything.  So is family.  This behavior is not common.  But drugs have become part of the landscape.  They call it "ICE".  It's a form of meth.  Anytime I see this type of behavior or hear about it, I think to myself, I bet drugs and alcohol were involved. And I bet they were this time too.

According to a Yahoo contributor, Christine Travis, the man in our story has taken things to a new extreme. She says that it is likely the abuse is worse at home.  She says that calling the police is a good strategy but a better one is to call store security and recruit their help in stalling the parent as you contact CYFD.  Supposedly CYFD will evaluate the situation and provide the parent and child with services or intervene in some way.  

I don't know what the right answer is. But please, take time to compliment parents who are being kind to their children.  Take time to do something for children everyday if you can.  Take flowers to CYFD where they see the worst of the worst and work so hard.  Please read Christine's advice on this link. And please take the time to post on my site and share your stories and advice.  We all want to be better.  Desmond Tutu said that we are appalled by this type of behavior because most of us are good.  If we weren't good we wouldn't be appalled.

What to do when you witness child abuse

Please comment by using the anonymous option or emailing me at amaracudney@gmail.com.